1990: The Bronx Warriors

I have always loved Escape from New York, a true dystopian B-movie classic. However, that film got one thing about the future glaringly wrong: The idea that the island of Manhattan would be abandoned to poors and criminals. Hah. No, Manhattan is the province of Russian oligarchs and Chinese billionaires and anyone else corrupt/amoral enough to obtain get the kind of money that buys a $50 million condo they're only going to live in two weeks out of the year. Nope, in the future, as in the present, the disenfranchised will be kept far, far from Manhattan.

Now, this is one thing that a crap flick like 1990: The Bronx Warriors actually gets right: Gentrification. Here, the 1% resides in high-security Manhattan, while everyone else is stuffed into the rotting borough of the Bronx. Yes, the true future of New York City, except that even the Bronx will be too fancy for the plebes soon. Anyway, other than that, 1990: The Bronx Warriors is a Euro-knockoff of better 80's films, the aforementioned Escape from New York and that truly great film, The Warriors.

 atempts... attimpts... attemps... oh, fuck it.

So, we open with some dopey girl in shoulder pads and moussed bangs running around the Bronx. 1990: The Bronx Warriors was actually shot on location in the Bronx because i don't think there's anyplace in Italy that looks like Hunts Point and, hell, if the NYPD were willing to ignore the same crackhouse for decades, i don't think they'd  care much about a few stunts n' pratfalls.

Dopey girl is quickly cornered by a bunch of guys in plastic helmets and shoulder pads on roller skates. Sure, it worked in The Warriors, in the well-paved ramps & straightaways wonderland of the Union Square subway station. But it's not the best transportation option in a rubble-strewn apocalyptic wasteland. However, before someone can trip over a rock, help arrives!

Behold our hero, Trash, who is supposedly the invincible leader of the Riders, the toughest biker gang in the Bronx, but he comes off more like a sissyboy Bon Jovi. Apparently, in the post-apocalyptic Bronx, not only will you be able to get your whites whiter, but chest wax will be plentiful!

 Really? You were in the Bronx in the early 80's
and you couldn't find someone to make you better graffiti than this?

But, oh noes! It seems one of the Riders is found dead, leading to a faceoff with the other hot shit gang of the Bronx, the Tigers, who wear zoot suits and drive awesome 40's cars. They are led by Ogre, played by Fred "The Hammer" Williamson. Finally! Someone with some motherfucking charisma. A believable badass. He has a sweet Rolls, dynamite outfits and a girlfriend named Witch who looks like Jerry Hall with Wolverine claws.

 Anyway, yeah, the Hammer offed yer buddy. Because he was on Hammer's turf and motherfucker was a snitch for the Manhattan Corporation -- the paramilitary corporate entity that protects the rich. (I'm pretty sure Dick Cheney's on the board.) The Hammer did you and the rest of the Bronx a goddamn favor, so chill out there, Steven Pearcy.

And here comes our villain. The Mahattan Corporation has sent in a psycho cop named the Hammer (oh, this is going to get confusing) to try to get Dopey Girl. The Hammer -- the cop-fake Hammer, not the awesome-real Hammer -- is played by Vic Morrow. He shoots a couple Riders, plants a Tiger's ring, figuring on the old "turn the gangs against each other" ruse. 

But wasn't one of the Riders already a police snitch? This is the part where 1990: The Bronx Warriors starts trying to get too complicated for its own good as we try feebly to keep track of who's turning who against who... Ah, let's fuhgeddaboudit and have a biker funeral pyre!

It turns out that Dopey Girl is actually the daughter of the president of the Manhattan Corporation, who, of course, wants her back. In short, she serves the same purpose as the cassette tape in Escape from New York and is about as compelling a character. But, well, she's actually the director's daughter, so that should give you an idea of how talented she is. As for Trash, he's played by a guy the director picked up in a gym -- sorry, discovered in a gym -- so that should give you an idea of how talented he is.

However, as soon as she reveals this, the roller skate gang from the beginning with the shiny white hats return  -- apparently they're called the Zombies, because Zombies are clean and roller skate -- and carry Dopey Girl off to their playroom...

Trash realizes that the Manhattan Corporation is behind it all. All the gangs need to band together, but to recruit Ogre, Trash will need to cross the Bronx. Which is full of gangs. I think we've heard this one before...

 The first gang the Riders come across is... oh, here, i'll just show you a picture.

Sir, i knew the Baseball Furies and you are no Baseball Furies. You are simply tap dancers in Kiss makeup. Literally: Tap dancers. They have choreographed moves and tap-tap-tap KICK! tap-tap-tap KICK! tap-tap...

Next up, the Scavengers.  Who look more like they should be the Zombies, but whatever.

 Finally, Ogre's house and civilization! Trash has to persuade Ogre to join him in the battle for the Bronx.

... and Fred "the Hammer" Williamson is so fucking in. Bring it on!

Once things are settled with the rat within the Riders' midst and Dopey Girl is reclaimed from the Power Rangers, the Bronx warriors can go to war.

 

The cops hate the civilians, refer to them as "animals," wear helmets and armor, have tanks and flamethrowers and are basically just there to wipe everyone out. Another thing about the future 1990: The Bronx Warriors got right, i guess...

Welcome to Ferguson!

1990: The Bronx Warriors was actually only the first in a Bronx trilogy, which also included Escape from the Bronx (which, oddly, is about not wanting to leave the Bronx) and The New Barbarians (which is more of a Road Warrior knockoff). Actually, all three are available in a boxed set now. Who knew that movies like 1990: The Bronx Warriors and Ginger would one day be raised from the 99-cent bin to the limited-edition collectors tin....

Samson and Delilah

Ah, yes, Cecil B. DeMille's Samson and Delilah. From the guy who directed The Ten Commandments, King of Kings, Sign of the Cross and The Greatest Show on Earth, among many, many others. But Samson and Delilah is the one with the most cheese. So kick back and break out the wine...

... or we can just get a few gallons of water and wait a bit -- Jesus said he would swing by after he gets off work. He digs DeMille flicks, but can get kind of snarky about things not being how He remembers them...

DeMille Biblical epics are pretentious, overblown filmmaking at its most extravagant. The sets are enormous, the extras legion, the Technicolor so lurid it should be advertising a peepshow -- and there is usually plenty of cleavage, herds of scantily clad dancing girls and muscle men, also a few rounds of light-to-moderate bondage. And, oh, the dialogue, delivered in performances that are either wooden or scenery-devouring, but nowhere in between. "Where's ya God now, Samson?" Indeed.

First, we have Victor Mature as Samson, leader of the Danites. Samson's favorite things are drinking, gambling, stealing and chasing Philistine tail -- yeah, i know, sounds like Rob Ford or Oscar Goodman. But, unlike them, Samson has genuine qualifications for the gig, namely, super-strength. Actually, that's his only qualification, but it is a pretty awesome one.

Still, Victor Mature is welcome in any film. He was laid-back and self-mocking, but could bring beefcake or tough guy when needed. Also, I knew a guy once whose grandfather had been a refrigerator repairman. One day, he went to repair Victor Mature's refrigerator, the two hit it off and became buddies. Also, he was the only one of Rita Hayworth's paramours who was nice to her. (They were engaged, but then she ditched him for Orson Welles. One of the few times a woman made a mistake by choosing the genius over the handsome lug.) Willing to hang with the working class -- not just once, but many times, as a friend -- and kind to chronically depressed, terminally exploited women. Victor Mature is A-OK in my book.

And we have Delilah, played by Hedy Lamarr. It's interesting to watch Hedy Lamarr movies now, knowing that she was a brilliant woman who helped invent the technology that led to the cell phone. Because none of that reads on screen. Beautiful, one of the the truly great faces, but seemingly with little-to-nothing going on in there. Although maybe she was just checked out -- she did once say "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid," although Samson and Delilah also demands that she do a lot of bouncing and slinking and pouting. And she wears some insane Biblical temptress drag courtesy of Edith Head. That cape? Made of real peacock feathers. From the peacocks on DeMille's lawn. I shit you not.

So, to the movie. Some Philistines beat up some Danites, someone rushes to tell Samson but he don't care. In fact, he takes the opportunity to ditch his girl Miriam and take off to play stalker at his favorite Philistine babe, Semadar. Semadar has shiny armor and weapons and a chariot and is kind of a proto-Khaleesi in style. Except played by Angela Lansbury. Yes, Jessica Fletcher, badass warrior woman in a studded midriff top

Really, it's not that far off. Before she wore Quacker Factory sweaters and solved mysteries in time to get the senior discount on the early bird special, Angela Lansbury usually played some sort of sexy, second-lead bad girl. She played a Wild West hooker who was mean to Judy Garland in The Harvey Girls, she was a trampy maid who helps drive Ingrid Bergman insane in Gaslight...

Semadar is betrothed to Ahtur, some Philstine honcho but Samson wants her anyway. Of course, Delilah, Semadar's little sister wants Samson, but he's uninterested in her...

But Samson has a plan. See, the Saran -- not the plastic wrap, but the leader of Dan-land or Philistinia or wherever we are -- is coming to hunt a lion. Samson thinks if he can kill the lion first, maybe he can swap a dead lion for a live girl. Of course, Delilah thinks the live girl will be her, so she helps Samson get to the lion first. Or should i say "lion" because it's pretty obvious that what's happening is A) a guy who is about six inches shorter than Mature and wearing a bad wig mambos with an toothless lion, and B) Victor Mature wrestles an empty lion suit.

Amazingly, Victor Mature manages to win a battle against an  inanimate object. All the hunters show up late and are astonished that Samson killed a "lion" with his bare hands.

And now we have George Sanders as Saran! I am always happy to see George Sanders. No one does jaded and over it better than George Sanders, Addison DeWitt HimSelf, the man who fled the Russian Revolution, married two Gabor sisters, made over 100 films and left a suicide note that opened "Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored..."

George Sanders hands Jessica Fletcher over to Victor Mature. All the Philistines are pissed but come to his wedding anyway because they're greedy boozehounds. Samson decides to show off that he ain't no dopey Danite by asking them a riddle. They cannot solve it until Hedy Lamarr hints that they should ask Jessica Fletcher, who totally gives it up to Ahtur in more ways than one...

Ouch, heifer! Hey, fight scene!

 

The other Philistines kill Semadar and her dad and burn the house down. Samson and Delilah escape. He disappears into the city...

Delilah goes from annoying kid sister to chief courtesan, where her primary gig is playing domina to Saran (like many all-powerful men, he pays a woman to treat him like crap). There is also a whiff of the Addison-to-Eve in Saran's attachment to Delilah -- he takes great pleasure in watching her and especially in watching her make suckers of everyone within range... except him. Edith Head rubs her hands together and mutters "You ain't seen nothin' yet" -- the array of 40's ankle-strap heels alone is astonishing.

The Philstines hassle the Danites, Victor Mature turns himself in. Then, he smites some ass!

So, who else to call but Delilah? She goes to capture Samson for Saran, but it just turns into a romantic interlude. A lot of drinking of wine and bathing in pools and playing harps and eating grapes but then...

Bam! Samson gets a call from his old girlfriend Miriam that shit is really bad in the hometown -- for a leader, Samson has quite a habit of just taking off to get wasted and laid until someone drags him back. Still, Delilah's jealous blah blah, tell me the secret of your strength or I'll cry blah blah...

Also, bear in mind that this is the second time some woman has "you don't love me"-d Samson into giving up a huge secret that will wreck everything if it gets out. But he rats himself out again and now we come to the Samson and Delilah money shot: The big haircut and the hauling away by The Man.

 And, sure, Saran promises Delilah, that no blade will touch Samson's skin, no blood will be shed. But, well, we've got a bunch of angry cops who've lost some of their own led by a jealous boyfriend. And she didn't say anything about not blinding him...

 So, Samson is blinded and chained to a big wheat-grinding wheel -- just like what happened to Conan in Conan the Barbarian, except all the villagers come to shout and throw things at him and the guards knock him around. Hedy Lamarr shows up and is all stoked to see him until she realizes that he's blind.

She reminds Saran of his promise but, hey, he got around that. One doesn't become Lord of the Five Cities by being a nice guy and leaving the loopholes alone. Not that he's the one who's really to blame, as he reminds Delilah when she becomes oh-so-tearful and oh-so-sorry. And he just reads her to filth.

So, the plan is to drag Samson to the temple of Dagon, because apparently the Philistines worship the same god that the creepy queen and Wilt Chamberlain do in Conan the Destroyer. Yeah, i've never touched a Bible except to move one out of the way in a hotel room, but i do know every damn second of both Conan movies. You have your sacred texts, i have mine...

Destroyer, 58:27 "Nothing hurts you. Only pain."

So, as we all know Samson is gonna knock down the temple. But, first, some bullshit. Hedy Lamarr is still really sad about Samson. Then Samson's old girlfriend Miriam and her little brother Saul show up to beg for mercy. George Sanders says he'll let Hedy Lamarr decide and of course she's all like "Fuck no, bitch, I'll let them keep humiliating and torturing his ass until he dies before I'll let you have him back."

Yup, that's Russ Tamblyn as Saul, future king of the Danites. "When you're a Danite you're a Danite all the way...."

So, more booing and throwing of things. And they've set up some kind of special little people torment for him. Not badass Tyrion Lannister little people, but drunken Munchkin asshole little people.

But Delilah finally decides to lead him to the pillars so he can knock down the temple. Because, seriously, no one noticed that his hair grew back.

Barbarians, 28:04 "... To crush your enemies,
to see them driven before you, to hear the lamentation of their women."

And the temple falls, crushing everyone.  You have to remember: This was before CGI. A herd of workers spent weeks building that whole damn set to the actual size you see. Every one of those extras was a real live person collecting a paycheck and craft services.

If i have to have cinematic Biblical propaganda laid on me, i'll take the Technicolor camp madness of Samson and Delilah over some bullshit about Greg Kinnear's kid who shoulda stayed in heaven or some Kirk Cameron B.S. No diggity.