The Wild World of Batwoman

What do you get when you combine go-go-girls, seances, "happy" pills, hearing aids, bare midriffs, lecherous middle-aged men, "Oriental languages," chocolate milk, the Watusi, mad scientists, pool parties and government surveillance?

The Wild World of Batwoman, that's what!

Another flick that operates on an Ed Wood-level of competence, The Wild World of Batwoman is an odd hodgepodge of leftover plot points and cheap sets. It makes the 60s Batman television series look like Game of Thrones..

There's an odd opener of two blondes (one of whom looks a lot like Amy Schumer) and a brunette in baby doll nighties blathering about strawberry yogurt and vampires--apparently this bit was tacked on when the producers were sued for copyright infringement (Who knows why they wouldn't want their intellectual property associated with such a fine work of art as this?) and the movie had to be retitled She Was a Hippy Vampire, although this is all we will hear of vampires. Picking up scraps is part of the the aesthetic of The Wild World of Batwoman--the monster shots are cut in from another movie, there's also street footage of what might be Sweden.

Batwoman is played by une femme d'un certain age with a cockade of Siouxsie Sioux hair, a bustier and a Batman symbol drawn on her cleavage--with eyebrow pencil, I'm guessing. The Batgirls seem to be a random assortment of go-go dancers and cocktail waitresses who recite a lot of Girl Scout-like oaths and "fight evil with all sincerity." We see a guy get mugged, a Batgirl get roofied and kidnapped--the Batgirls' crime-fighting skills seem to be limited to the Frug, the Pony and calling for help. Compared to them, Yvonne Craig's Batgirl is Imperator Furiosa.

So, one of the Batgirls is kidnapped by a couple of motley henchmen and an inept mad scientist with the standard creepy deformed assistant. It turns out they are in the service of Batwoman's arch-enemy, Rat Fink--no idea if he's related to Ed "Big Daddy" Roth's Rat Fink or the Rat Pfink of Rat Pfink a Boo-Boo. Apparently he is trying to get hold of some magical hearing aid that can eavesdrop on anyone, anywhere. And it's also an atomic bomb. Or something.

You know the Ajax company that occasionally pops up in the Disney universe, employers of incompetent ghost exterminators and spluttering ducks? They are too high-end for The Wild World of Batwoman, hence they use the knockoff, factory seconds version...

So, there's much rushing back and forth and escaping and getting kidnapped. The mad scientist keeps dispensing happy pills to everyone, because somehow there's not enough footage of Batgirls (and the occasional hunchbacked assistant) endlessly go-go dancing in midriff tops. That's what the happy pills make you do: Gyrate like it's inpatient talent night on American Bandstand.

Then our plot takes another bizarre turn as suddenly Batwoman needs to contact the spirit world (by holding hands around a table, these folks being too cheap to spring for a Ouija board) to tell her where the bad guys' lair is. Which is odd, because Batwoman has already been to said lair, but "it was dark" and she just can't find it now. Huh? Is it in one of those subdivisions where all the streets are named for types of cacti and all of the houses look alike? Which is actually entirely possible--like the "torture chamber" of Olga's Girls was obviously someone's basement full of random stuff, the "lab" in The Wild World of Batwoman is clearly a garage down to the shelves of cardboard boxes and side door entrance.

The Wild World of Batwoman is dopey and illogical but amusing nonetheless. It's girl power at its goofiest--actually, Amy Schumer's next movie should be a low-budget piece of superchick schlock with Neil Sedaka's "Bad Blood" as a theme song. All the girls will be non-supermodels--Melissa McCarthy, Margaret Cho, Kristen Schaal, Niecy Nash, Jinkx Monsoon, Fran Liebowitz, holographic LaWanda Page. They can let Jennifer Lawrence be their Lena Dunham, maybe bring John Waters out of retirement...

Bram Stoker's Dracula

I recall being excited to see Bram Stoker's Dracula when it came out. I was still in college and living in Alphabet City with a bunch of film/art students and several of us got,  in the parlance of the time, "rippin' stoned" and went to see it at the Village East Cinema, in the old main theater.

I now realize that Coppola's goal in Dracula was to make the schmanciest B-movie ever. An homage to Universal and Hammer, both studios and aesthetics to which this film owes much. Also, let us not forget that Francis got his start working on Roger Corman's gothic horror movies, including A.D. on a few of his Vincent Price Poe flicks and getting his directorial feet wet on the creepy castle/wandering solider/Boris Karloff/Jack Nicholson/should-be-a-better movie The Terror.

So, we open with some lovely Javanese shadow puppets and a flashback to the birth of Dracula, so to speak. Where he went to war, impaled a bunch of people, his fiancee thought he was dead and killed herself, he cursed god and, presto, he's Dracula!

Clock the armor. The costumes in this movie are irrefutably spectacular, many referencing art or history or nature  and I do love me a some good costume design -- actually, that's a large part of the reason I wanted to see this movie when it came out. Coppola has said "I put most of my money in the costumes" and Eiko Ishioka gave him every penny of his money's worth and then some.

Another major reason was the casting of Gary Oldman as Dracula. Because before Gary Oldman was a B-movie villain or a Commissioner Gordon or a right-wing asshole, he was Sid Vicious in Love Kills.  No, seriously, he was Sid Vicious and every punk teen girl of the late 80's loved him for it. (Also, see Romeo Is Bleeding. Really.) The part where he reels around the chapel, screeching in Slobovian and cursing god and kicking over the holy water font -- it's pure Sid. (Although that's actually Lux Interior of the Cramps screaming. Diamanda Galas does the Dracula Brides screaming. Tom Waits does the madhouse screaming.)

But let us pause for a moment for one of the finest supporting actor turns of the 90's. Full disclosure: I worship Tom Waits like unto a very god. I have seen him play live and it was a life-changing experience. I interviewed him once and it was delightful; he told me that i was funny and it is a moment i still think of when i am feeling low... So,  Tom Waits plays Renfield, Dracula's maddened disciple in a performance that even a a non-fan has to admit is powerful and memorable -- he's revolting, deranged, pathetic but with this little lingering edge of reason clinging like the last leaf on the tree....

Oh, do you not remember Tom Waits? Because you saw Dracula on TV? I know, because those dreadful imbecilic fuckers who edit movies for television cut him out. To make room for commercials. They left in every fucking moment of "Whoa." but got rid of Tom Waits. So they could sell you Hot Pockets and Flonase. Miserable, rotten, filthy, wretched bastards!

But, now we're back to the B-movie hackery with our two leads -- the roles that most vexed me at the time. Mina Harker is Winona Ryder -- well, if you wanted Helena Bonham Carter, why didn't you hire Helena Bonham Carter? (Oh, that's right, she was off making Mary Shelley's Frankenstein at the time.) She's lame. And Keanu Reeves, as Jonathan Harker, he's worse. I mean, a lot, lot worse. Like Special Achievement in  Film Golden Raspberry worse. Like "maybe this will make people forget how lousy my daughter was in Godfather III" worse. But, when you think about it, the romantic leads in old horror movies are always annoying and mediocre and, I guess Winona manages that level. But Keanu... no. Although if Coppola really wanted to go balls-out on it, he should have gotten Nicholas Cage to play Jonathan. Or, i mean, he had Cary Elwes standing right there, who could have given B-movie leading-man realness, easy.

Yeah, I wanna choke him too.

So, yeah, Keanu has to go to the Carpathian Mountains ("Whoa."), leaving fiancee Mina behind with her rich, slutty friend Lucy. The Dracula's castle section is the most fun of the movie, with Coppola going all out on the effects -- and, nicely, they're not greenscreen, CGI bullshit. No, it's old-school double exposures, reverse film, miniatures, puppets -- all things used in old horror movies.

So Transylvania is alive with creepy disembodied shadows and upside-down rats and giant floating eyes and, of course, the vampire babes. Also, this is the one part where the Keanu "Whoa." school of acting works.

Gary Oldman has a grand time playing creepy old Dracula, unctuating the classic dialogue, like "The children of the night... what sweet music they make!" and that perennial chestnut about not drinking... wine. He also resembles a blend of Mr. Burns and the Duchess of Windsor with some Count von Count on top.

So, blah blah, Dracula packs his boxes of dirt and hops on the Demeter for London. In London, Mina pines for Keanu and slutty Lucy tries to decide whether to marry the doctor, the cowboy or the Lord. Lucy is played by Sadie Frost, who has great dresses and amazing hair and is far more fun and interesting than prissy Mina. So you know she's doomed....

But, since Lucy is so slutty, it is unsurprising that Dracula also decides to get some of that and begins appearing as a bat, a werewolf, a hot Eurotrash guy to drink her slutty, slutty blood. Seriously: Most horror films have sexual subtext, Dracula makes it so blatant that it's ridiculous. Lucy is supposed to be a flirtatious upper-class Victorian maiden , not a jaded queen dishing about the Pit Crew after a few cocktails in the Interior Illusions Lounge on RuPauls' Drag Race. Rather than sexual tension, we get writhing topless girl getting banged by a drooling werewolf, fangs bared, legs in the air -- someone made a figurine if you'd like to preserve this moment for display in a china cabinet.

Naturally, all of this vampire bangin' and blood drinkin' makes Lucy ill. Call in Dr. Van Helsing! Anthony Hopkins goes for the ridiculous with this role because, really, what else is there to do? He has a scar and an accent and literally humps one of the bros' legs at one point. (Jesus, if Coppola had used Nicholas Cage, they would have had to get everything on the first take before he and Hopkins chewed the scenery beyond repair.)

No, you're not Dracula. You're Van Helsing. Get over it!

And now, of course, Dracula reappears in London, all damn suave with Chris Cornell's old hair and immediately picks up Mina on the street. And takes her to the movies. (A movie with nekkid Victorian ladies -- Travis Bickle couldn't take a chick to a porno on the first date but, when you're the Prince of Darkness you can get away with it. Also, the magic lantern scene might remind you of the one in Sex and Fury, but i believe the homage is inadvertent.) 

There's also some business about a wolf escaped from the zoo and Lucy's still getting her blood drained and Keanu is still stuck in Transylvania ("Whoa.")

Lucy dies, Dracula takes Mina to the basement of Queen Gedren from Red Sonja -- y'know, where the Police shot the "Wrapped Around my Finger" video (because Dracula, the Evil Queen and Sting are all pals, naturally. Birds of a feather and all...). They get loaded on absinthe and babble and twirl around. Best friend dying, husband missing, presumed dead but, hey, this bitch is moving on.

... or she was, because now Keanu has appeared alive (Damn.) and Mina rushes off to marry him. Dracula cries a lot and turns old again and then decides to fully drain Lucy. Lucy "dies," becomes a vampire, eats some children and then Van Helsing and the rest of the bros drive a stake through her heart and chop her head off.

Then, of course, we have the mandatory return to the vampire's homeland -- not sure why this always has to happen, but it always does. There's the creepy castle, race against the setting sun, the female in jeopardy they have inexplicably decided to drag with them even closer to the danger. And, of course, the mandatory ending for ol' Dracula...

Bram Stoker's Dracula had a great pinball machine. They used to have one at Max Fish in NYC and they have one at the Pinball Hall of Fame now -- if you hit a certain sequence, Gary Oldman lights up and pops out of his coffin. As far as the movie, it's magically delicious eye candy and has two great performances. The rest is, well, "Whoa."

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

As i have pointed out, most movie ideas are bad. You have no idea how they go from pitch to post-production. But The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires was genius the moment it was conceived: Cross a British Hammer vampire film with a Shaw Brothers kung fu action flick. Who, sitting in the back row of a theater balcony on the Deuce, eating oleo popcorn and Milk Duds, forty of Old E in a paper bag and joints a'rollin, could ask for anything more?

However, awesome + awesome does not always = ultramegaawesome. Sometimes it just = pretty damn awesome. The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires has its flaws, but it also has it moments and is, overall, an enjoyable flick. We open where any good vampire movie should open: "Transylvania 1804." A Chinese guy in dragon robe & walrus mustache drag  is climbing up a hill as a shocked Eastern European peasant looks on. After flinching before a random roadside cross, he finds Dracula's tomb, does some chanting and calls Drac out of his coffin.

"Who dares to disturb the sancity of Dracula?" Wha? Sanctity? Sanctity as in "the state or quality of being holy, sacred, or saintly." I thought that was the last thing Dracula would want to relax in the middle of.

... and -- wait! That's not Christopher Lee! Nope, Christopher Lee could not be bothered with this gig. Which is weird: I didn't know there was a movie Christopher Lee wouldn't do.

So, anyway, Droopy Mustache explains to "Dracula" that he's come all this way because there used to be seven vampires in his province and now there's only six and only six vampires gets no respect. Help me, Godfather! "Dracula" decides China sounds like a good place to move his vampire base, so he possesses Droopy Mustache and the credits roll!

Next thing we see, it's Chung King in 1904 and Professor Van Helsing -- Peter Cushing! Like he's supposed to be! Thank god! He's lecturing a class on vampires in China. As he tells the story of vampire attacks on villages, we focus in one one student in particular and then soft-focus into a flashback. A flashback that is what all flashbacks should be: A ten-minute kung fu battle involving the undead...

Humble farmer decides to save daughter from vampire sacrifice. Farmer goes to vampire hangout, frees daughter, but the vampires go apeshit. Farmer makes it out of the building -- but wait! What's that coming out of the ground? It's a rotting human hand! Zombie! Zombies! Zombie army! Apparently, in China, the vampires can summon zombies. I guess that's why Dracula decided to move his operation here: Cheap zombie labor.

Post-flashback, most of the students walk out, but the one we focused on remains. At a cocktail party after the lecture, we meet assorted Brits and Chinese, Van Helsing's son and a rich Scandinavian widow who's traveling the world in search of adventure. Yadda yadda, student pleads with Van Helsing to accompany him to his ancestral village and help wipe out the vampires.

Art first it's no go, but after everyone is attacked in the street and the Seven Brothers show off their mad skills -- and the foxy Swedish widow agrees to foot the bills -- the groups takes off through remote countryside to distant village to defeat the Seven Golden Vampires. From here on out, it's just alternating kung fu battles and Cushing-delivered exposition with occasional pan shots of the landscape. Rather than try to enumerate every kick, punch and "Long ago...," let us just list a few of the things one picks up while watching The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires.

1. Grindhouse math: If there are seven brothers and their one sister fighting nintey-eight zombies and six vampires, how many undead does each kung fu warrior get to kill? If each one gets to kill one vampire, how many kung fu warriors will not get to kill their own vampire?
2. The widow may bring her platinum AmEx, but you will grow tired of her cowering behind you during battles. And sometimes even when there is not a battle.
3. American zombies move in a sort of smacked-out goosestep, Chinese zombies do the bunny hop.
4. Vampires apparently hire third-graders to make their masks and swords. The undead do not concern themselves with the possible dangers of exposing young children to massive amounts of metallic spray paint.
5. Peter Cushing is one of the few men who can carry off a pith helmet adorned with flowing scarf without looking like Truman Capote vacationing in Tangier.
6. Vampires get really upset if you steal their belt buckles. The belt buckle is the source of a vampire's power.
7. It's nice to see that, for once, the male romantic lead looks at the shrieking, helpless, big-breasted blonde in the corset and the butt-kicking, take-care-of-myself girl in pigtails and satin pajamas and makes the right decision.
8. No matter what kind of monster costume you're making, a gorilla suit is always a great place to start.
9. When you enter a deep, dark cave in vampire territory, and you run across bats and skeletons, please don't act surprised when they are followed by vampires.
10. True love means impaling yourself on the same sharp stick.

The Shaw Brothers had done western co-productions before, such as Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold (kung fu blaxploitation) and Virgins of the Seven Seas, a German co-production (kung fu Eurosleaze). Hammer had reportedly planned a follow-up, specifically a Bollywood/Hammer co-pro (whoa). The Legend of the Seven Golden Vampires isn't the best of Hammer or the best of the Shaw Brothers, but it's still got plenty of the ingredients for a good time at the movies.