Atomic Blonde

... Played with a reserve as icy as the cubes she tosses into her many glasses of vodka (seriously, people drink and smoke in this movie like it’s Barfly), Lorraine herself comes in with only a few shreds of backstory and remains enigmatic throughout the film, which some might find off-putting but, hell, isn’t that how James Bond has operated for 26 movies?

Read the rest of the review at Vegas Seven...

Wonder Woman

When she stalks across a battlefield through whizzing bullets, implacable and unstoppable, you want to cheer and when she punches out a tank—she punches out a tank—you actually do.

Read the rest of the review of the totally not-crappy Wonder Woman at Vegas Seven.

The Fate of the Furious

...But fuck all that story and character nonsense, you say, let’s get to the cars. To which I say: If I had to sit through the glycerine tears of Vin Diesel to get to the cars, so do you...

Click here for a full review of the shiny pile of noisy hackery that is The Fate of the Furious.

Rogue One

The movie is full of drop-your-popcorn chase scenes and cheer-inducing fight sequences, but there’s also a distinct darkness to Rogue One: It makes The Empire Strikes Back look like Return of the Jedi.

Read the full rev    iew on Vegas Seven...

Jupiter Ascending

Have you ever wondered what would happen if a pre-teen girl who was just coming out of her Disney Princess phase was forced to watch Flash Gordon, Brazil, Dune, Predator and a dash of Scientology mythos and then regurgitate them all into one mega-budget mess o' sci-fi nonsense?

Yeah, i haven't either but, if such a thing were to happen, the result would be Jupiter Ascending. Yet another film that proves that you can have plenty of money, talent and creativity and still produce absolute shit. Apparently due to some kind of studio shuffle, the Wachowskis made Jupiter Ascending with a big budget and little oversight--something that will not happen again, not after this. Well, and Cloud Atlas. And Speed Racer.

She does this falling and screaming thing at least a dozen times....

Here we have the perennially serviceable Mila Kunis as Jupiter, a young Russian immigrant cleaning lady who is actually the Queen of the Universe. No, fucking really.

This film is art-directed to the point of paralysis, but they gave someone 

with gold-leaf bathroom walls the kind of cheap white plastic toilet seat you get for $15 at Lowe's.

So, we open with our heroine's Cinderella drudgery, breaking into a Hallmark Channel romance-style flashback of her parents, punctuated by what might be mobsters or aliens or government agents or rival astronomers killing dad. (This, like many things in the film, is never quite explained.) Back to the present, it seems Jupiter's brother has talked her into donating her eggs for cash and giving him most of the money, because apparently cleaning other people's piss and/or shit isn't submissive and degrading enough. She bops on down to the clinic, but while she is unconscious, spread-eagled and having her ladyparts  probed (because helpless and because female), suddenly the doctors turn into weird aliens and announce that they're going to kill her.

Fortunately, Channing Tatum shows up on rocket skates to rescue her--a phrase that appears in the Jupiter Ascending script at least a dozen times. Yeah, there's some bullshit about how she is the genetic duplicate of some previous Queen of the House of Abraxas and, thus, owner of the Earth, but that's not really what this movie is about. What this movie is really about is Jupiter gets kidnapped by bad aliens in flashy outfits/falls through some really great computer animation/is rescued by Dogboy.
 

Yeah.  Charming Potato is a good-guy super-soldier space mercenary who's also part dog or wolf or something. Wait a second... half-man, half-dog in space? I know this one!

Anyway, we are treated to the first of many chase scenes. Jupiter Ascending is just over 2 hours--45 minutes of expository dialogue, 45 minutes of space-chase-fight scenes, 10 minutes of admiring Jupiter's costume changes, 10 minutes of CGI landscape beauty shots, 5 minutes of closeups of cool shit and 5 minutes of character development and plot.

Shitty hometown you don't want to go to, lame relatives you never see...

Our chief villain of the House of Abrasax is played by Eddie Redmayne in Cleopatra/Captain Hook drag, delivering all of his dialogue in a whisper that's supposed to be menacing but sounds more like his tonsils are sore from gobbling crystal meth and cock for 48 straight hours. It's perhaps the greatest post-Academy Award comedown since Halle Berry in Catwoman.

...consider this penance for stealing Michael Keaton's Oscar, you twee bastard.

He sends assorted creepy aliens and fabulously attired mercenary squads after Jupiter, thus adding to the legion of intricately designed and utterly unwritten characters that pass through Jupiter Ascending. It's like the filmmakers spent two weeks creating individual hairdos and tattoos for each one, but didn't even bother to give any of them a name.

Wait, Sean Bean? You're here too? Dang.

So after Dogboy stands around shirtless in a field of wildflowers for a good ten minutes--and you thought i was exaggerating the pre-teen Disney princess angle--Jupiter gets hauled off to the first of a number of space palaces, gets a new outfit and listens to some exposition from her "sister"--or is it "daughter," i dunno. We're basically just here for the pretty dresses and to watch this chick Bathory-bathe in the life force of humans and come out young. And get an ass shot.

Dogboy shows up and rescues Jupiter, she asks for a change of costume. (This is literally the only initiative we will seen taken or order we will seen given by the alleged Queen of the Universe.) Then we go into the terrible, obvious Brazil ripoff where we spend 10 minutes watching Jupiter and Dogboy follow some Space Twink around to various space bureaucracies to do the paperwork to establish her Earth rights. The tone is completely different than the rest of the film and it's painfully unfunny. But the worst part is this...

That's right. Terry Gilliam cameo. Terry Gilliam has to beg to get 1/100th of the budget wasted on derivative shitshows like Jupiter Ascending and is usually refused even that. But here he is, contributing to the stealing of his own schtick....

But, wait! Kidnapped again! This time she is whisked off to meet Prince Charming, who lays some crap on her about how he's a good guy and she can help him blah blah blah... it hasn't taken long for the space lords to figure out that it's pretty easy to handle the Queen of the Universe: Give her a pretty new dress, use a bunch of big words, light some candles and she'll agree to whatever you say.

Don't get me wrong. I am a full believer in the power of a good frock. But this is ridiculous. So, Prince Charming--who is actually evil--wants to marry the Queen of the Universe and Dogboy must stop the wedding... after we've had a good, long look at the gown, hair and makeup. Just like a hundred fairytales including Flash Gordon. I mean, it is such a direct Flash Gordon jack that someone should sue...

Dogboy takes Jupiter back home, only to find that the Cock Whisperer has kidnapped her (stereotypical) family, so she is immediately carried off again with Dogboy again in hot pursuit on rocket skates. Blah blah, sign over the rights the the Universe or I kill your family blah blah....

 You must pay the rent! 

I can't pay the rent! 

You must pay the rent! 

Seriously, i just want him to tie her to some train tracks already....

Dogboy to the rescue!

(Again.)

At the end, Jupiter doesn't want to be Queen of the Universe. No, she just wants to go back to Earth and scrub toilets and live with a family who doesn't appreciate her. This sort of "the only true happiness a woman can know is by having her entire identity wrapped up in her family" bullshit barely got by in the fifties: Now it's just ridiculous. Not even the endings of Mahogany and Made in Paris involved this level of abandonment of achievement for a life of domesticity.

Even more ridiculous when you compare it with a movie like Bound, where the women flipped everyone's script and came out on top. I dunno what happened with the Warchowskis, but Larry and Andy gave us The Matrix's Trinity, who was fierce and invincible and saved Keanu's punk ass countless times, as well as the aforementioned killer team of Corky and Violet.  Lana and Lilly give us Jupiter, who basically just changes outfits and waits for Dogboy to turn up and help her out of whatever mess she has wandered blindly into.They have every right to their own vision of femininity, i just wished they'd kept it a little more kickass...

Psycho Gothic Lolita

Well, because the title, that's why.

As the trailer for Psycho Gothic Lolita announces: "Beauty, modeling and action! The core of Japanese films all in one!" There's also a goodly bit of splatter. Also known as Gothic & Lolita Psycho, it's a fast-moving series of fight scenes, punctuated with gallons of fake blood, none of which gets on our heroine's fabulous outfit.

 Basically the story is that Psycho Gothic Lolita's mom was murdered and her dad (who is apparently a priest) was paralyzed by some gang in black trenchcoats and now, of course, she is out for vengeance. I don't think we ever find out why the killed her family and there is an absurd twist at the end that would make even M. Night Shyamalan say, "That shit was contrived and unnecessary," but what kind of fool watches something called Psycho Gothic Lolita for the plot?

 

Our heroine has five people she needs to off in order to even the score for mom--each one is represented by a tarot-style card, a device that, like so many things in Psycho Gothic Lolita, remains unexplained. Her father, who is now in a wheelchair, is her Q and builds her a number of interesting umbrella-based weapons but we have no idea why she has to dress up in Gothic Lolita drag to get revenge--in the (tedious, overused) flashbacks, she is conventionally attired

As our Psycho Gothic Lolita, Rina Akiyama looks great, but isn't much in the charisma department: Not so much implacable killing machine as a outfit and a gimmick with a catchphrase that doesn't make sense. Although it is a hell of an outfit--love the umbrella-styled sleeves and laced-up skirt even if the Marie Antoinette via Michaels hairdo doesn't really do it for me. Also, i know it's all about consistency, but I wish she'd had one or two more outfits. The movie is about fashion, so give me some costume changes, dammit!

It also feels like they missed some opportunities with her opponents. Her biggest adversary, Elle, is in Gyaru style with pink lipgloss and a TLC-style eyepatch, as well as a pair of knife/guns, one of which has a built-in cellphone. (Wait--Elle with an eyepatch and guns? Well, I guess it's nice to see someone stealing from Tarantino for a change.) But the rest of the folks she battles are a sort of random assortment--if we're here for fashion, every one of them should have been some kind of Tokyo street style stereotype. She should have had to take on a Kogal schoolgirl or some Fairy Kei bitch in a Care Bears T-shirt and pastel fake fur.

 

There is one brilliant scene where she runs into "KAMIKAZE," a ridiculous bunch of Westerners that are half-Karate Kid, half-West Side Story and completely hilarious. Psycho Gothic Lolita ain't no Sex and Fury and it ain't no Heroic Trio. Hell, it's not even Tokyo Gore Police. But it does have its moments.

The Immortals

Well, it looks great and heaven knows it doesn't matter if you leave the sound off.

The Immortals is directed by Tarsem Singh, known for sinking an incredible amount of time, energy and skill into the visual aspect of his work and devoting about five minutes and ten I.Q. points to the story. It was produced by the people who brought you 300; it also makes 300 seem like Eugene O'Neil.

This whole flick is just one big, butch upskirt shot.

Let us not consider that The Immortals bears little to no resemblance to the myths you may be familiar with, expect as far as cribbing some names and a monster or two. It kind of reminds me of when i saw Clash of the Titans as a kid and got all aggro about the inaccuracies. See, when i was about seven or eight, i got my sticky little hands on a copy of Bullfinch's Mythology and became totally hooked. The gods and goddesses of Olympus had powers beyond our reckoning, but that were often in service of emotions all too human. (Like Artemis did Acateon: Embarrass a goddess, get turned into a stag, be shot down by your own hunstmen and devoured by your own dogs. Bam!) They managed to be movie stars, Disney Princesses and the X-Men all at once and what little girl can resist that? But, compared to The Immortals, Clash of the Titans was scrupulous in its attention to... accepted fiction.

... not so much Mount Olympus as a Gay Pride float.

But, anyway, the point of The Immortals seems to be that evil King Hyperion, played by Mickey Rourke in a state of low-energy camp wants to... take over the world? Kill the gods? Release the Titans? Destroy all the temples? Sterilize every man on earth with a big clown hammer? Find a +5 laser-shooting enchanted crossbow of doom? Just be the biggest asshole he can to as many people as possible? All of these goals are alluded to, but none seem to be a real focus...

Yup, you're wearing a vagina dentata topped off with crab-claw bunny ears on your head.

But, hey, you're Mickey Rourke. This doesn't even crack your bad decision Top Ten.

Our hero is Theseus, pretty-boy killing machine. (Like Jon Snow in Pompeii, i just don't believe it.) He is played by Henry Cavill, who seems way more impressive in the Man From U.N.C.L.E. trailer that's making the rounds. But, hey, shit movies are a part of life and, even if the flick isn't one for the resume, i'd say that the stills are one for the portfolio.

I'm not going to try to explain the plot of The Immortals further, because i'm not even sure there is one. Zeus claims that, according to divine law, gods may not interfere with mortals. But he's been hanging out with Theseus pretty much every day of his life, teaching him to fight, imparting old-dude wisdom (in the guise of John Hurt, who's just collecting the check, thanks). How is that not interfering?

Zeus is played by Luke Evans, who does his best to have some kind of gravitas while wearing a tinsel tutu. (The funny thing is, he looks less ridiculous than he did as Apollo in that shitty Clash of the Titans remake.) Then there's his daughter, Athena, an actress-waitress from Orange County. (Goddess of wisdom and war who could outwit and outfight pretty much any creature in heaven or Earth... not so much.) and the rest of the gods, an interchangeable bunch of underwear models in lame jockstraps and showgirl headdresses

So, down on Earth, King Hyperion is being an asshole. And there's some mean soldiers and some not-mean soldiers. And Theseus is kind of milling about. Then we have Frieda Pinto as the Sibyl and her three backup Sibyls and Stephen Dorff as some guy named Stavros, because Greece, right? 

The Minotaur turns up, but it's not really a Minotaur and they're not really in a labyrinth... which is kind of a waste of a righteous set piece. And then there's this magic bow, that they all sort of want and are sort of looking for, but everyone keeps getting distracted. It's all very unclear but, again, it's a plot you can ignore. Turn off the sound and put on some tunes. Groove on the fabulous images. Do another bong hit, maybe eat some gelato...

 You want a fun mythology movie full of cool effects, Harryhausen's Clash of the Titans is still it. You want to see Greek gods as pouty go-go boys, watch The Immortals.

Poseidon's muffin had gluten it it. Sad Poseidon.