The Lost Empire

You know how The Producers is all about a musical that was specifically created to be so bad that it would fail epically and be a massive tax loss? Well, The Lost Empire was apparently also supposed to be so bad it would fail epically and be a massive tax loss, except director Jim Wynorski did his very, very best to create a good movie... that could not be worse if he had tried. 

Black belt? Brown belt?
I don't know--what level is the belt made of sequins with a big glittery buckle on it?

Wynorski would go on to direct over a hundred more movies, most of them under pseudonyms--he was Jay Andrews for Stealth Fighter, Jamie Wagner for Cry of the Winged Serpent, Rob Robertson for Dinocroc vs. Supergator, Tom Popatopulous for The Escort III, Sam Pepperman for Sexy Wives Sinsation and H.R. Blueberry for The Witches of Breastwick. As you can see, he specialized in monster movies and sex movies or, in the case of  The Hills Have Thighs, a combination of the two; 1986's Chopping Mall would be the peak of his career. So, honestly, bad as The Lost Empire is, it's not like things got a whole hell of a lot better over the next thirty years of filmmaking.

The first thing we see in The Lost Empire is two enormous tits. Consider this preparation for the hundreds of enormous tits to come. The camera pulls back to reveal some bimbo trying on a rhinestone necklace in a shop in Chinatown. A red light briefly flashes out of the eye socket of a particularly ugly-ass statue as bimbo and shop owner negotiate an, ahem, deal.

But, suddenly, three ninjas appear! The owner has a three-piece suit and a .45 like true 70s hero... but he is no match for the Party City ninjas and their hypnotic yo-yos of death! Incredibly, the cops arrive within about 15 seconds but they are also no match for the hypnotic yo-yos of death... although one of them does manage to stop the ninjas from stealing the glowing red orb thingy before collapsing to the ground in a heap of pale blue polyester and fake blood. Cue the credits!

After said credits, we get a rather bewildering expository scroll.

Anyway, cut to a bunch of police and cop cars outside a school. Apparently there is a "bunch of terrorists" who are "armed to the teeth" with a bunch of kids hostage and, just like in Uvalde, Texas, the police are afraid to go inside. While school shooting scenarios can be hard to watch, what makes this one easier on the viewer is  that the kids do not seem frightened at all. The little girl having a knife waved in her face seems more sleepy than scared. One of the boys slumps over his desk with the demeanor of a child waiting for a math test to be handed out. All of the actors in The Lost Empire are bad-to-mediocre, but I would particularly like to praise the woodenness of these young thespians for saving  viewers emotional trauma.

See, I told you: Uvalde. Luckily, mysterious, black-clad biker with a badge rolls up and, after a brief briefing, drives straight into the school and starts taking down bad guys. We will notice that, in this movie, bullets not only create bloody holes, but cause the person who is shot to fly through the air.

Oh look, cowboy cop trope does takes off motorcycle helmet to reveal foxy lady trope.
There may be corpses strewn about and a criminal bleeding out a few feet away,
but the helmet removal still merits the sexy saxophone and a harp!

We also meet foxy maverick lady cop's boyfriend, Mustache Meatball, who is CIA, when she punches him in the nose and then they jump-cut to a sex scene. Just when we begin wondering what the fuck all of this has to do with the opening with the ninjas and the ugly statue and THE EYE OF AVATAR, the phone rings and we find out that police lady's brother was one of the officers hurt and is in the hospital. Thus maverick cop--actually, her name is Angel Wolfe--storms into the hospital wearing a skintight silver lame jumpsuit. One does not expect the sort of professional pantsuits-and-blazers attire seen in Charlie's Angels, but The Lost Empire's commitment to inappropriate outfits is truly remarkable and only just beginning.

Anyway, as he's being whisked into surgery, her brother whispers something about "The devil, he exists!" Like we need to be told that in the age of social media.

Mustache Meatball explains that this is all about some guy named Lee Chuck, known as "Satan's Hatchet Man" (Bruce Norris is an insurance salesman in a Connecticut suburb.)  who is part of pretty much all fo the evil in the world or something.

She goes back to the crime scene to look for clues and THE EYE OF AVATAR jumps into her purse (no, really). Then Charlie Chan (no, really) appears and they all go to dinner. He tells them about THE EYE OF AVATAR... well, actually two eyes. Lee Chuck and this guy named Dr. Sin Do have one....

You do, nitwit! Look in your purse next to the Tampax and Love's Baby Soft!

So, it seems the only way to get on Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom to look for Lee Chuck and THE EYE OF AVATAR is to answer a want ad. Ah, remember the days of newspaper want ads, when you could flip to the back of the Poughkeepsie Journal and be like, "I need a job. I see opportunities for secretary, sous chef and lady gladiator in some kind of death-battle three-way..."

"They're never told it's a one-way trip."

But... you know it's a one-way trip. How do you know and they don't? 

So, they've got to go to Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom for the Lee Chuck Memorial Battle to the Death for Ladies Only. Yes, kids, it's Russ Meyer's Enter the Dragon. However, you need to have three women on your Lee Chuck Memorial Battle to the Death team, so Angel Wolfe needs to find two ringers that are interested in a one-way trip to a doom battle on death island--sorry, death battle on doom island.

So, Angel Wolfe, maverick cop, drives her pink Barbie jeep out to the desert, where an old Native American guy is sitting in the middle of Tiger Lily's Neverland camp. He vanishes in a blur of bad FX glitter as Angel throws a feather in the fire in some type of summoning ritual.

And so appears Whitestar, fresh from the 1 a.m. show at the O'Farrell Theater. She is played by Russ Meyer starlet Raven De La Croix, less as mystical Native American then the bemused broad from Queens she actually was. There will be no further reference to her being some kind of spiritual being that is summoned from the ethers.

As seems to be the way in this movie, they head to a nearby restaurant for some exposition as well as more painful puns from Whitestar. 

However, this scene does end with our heroines beating up some creepy rednecks in the parking lot, so that's a plus....

Next they head for an unused warehouse--I mean, women's prison. A prison where all of the women are twenty-three, barefoot and in hot pants... except for the one that gets to wear full dominatrix drag. That would be "Whiplash," played by Angelique Pettyjohn, a Vegas showgirl best known as a green-haired space babe on Star Trek and one of Elvis' girls in Clambake. Nice to see you, ma'am.

So after some whipping and slapping and mud-wrestling and some other girl running up solely to get her top ripped off, the blonde beats Whiplash and is recruited for the mission to the Lee Chuck Memorial Battle to the Death for Ladies Only on Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom. Surprisingly, they do not talk this over at a picturesque local restaurant, but in a shower. Guess they needed the bare-boob shot more then they needed the discounted craft services....

When the incorrect subtitle reveals an inadvertent truth...

So, our heroines, Angel, Whitestar and, uh, Heather are headed for the Lee Chuck Memorial Battle to the Death for Ladies Only on Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom. If they win they get $25,000 to split between the three of them, which comes to about $6,500 each after taxes. I guess Angel feels that revenge is priceless and I suppose Heather feels the same way about being let out of prison, but I'm not sure what Whitestar is getting out of this. Kicks? Sticking it to The Man? Free (one-way) airfare and semi-deluxe accommodations? An associate producer credit? Anyway....

Table for three, please. Is the lunch buffet still going on?

So, all the babes dress up in their finest Maybelline and spandex and head out for the Lee Chuck Memorial Battle to the Death for Ladies Only on Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom. But Angel forgets her purse and THE EYE OF AVATAR in Mustache Meatball's car. Blondes, I tell ya!

Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom!

(You know, if I ever had a bunch of money to waste, I'd get someone to do a big mural in my house

that looked like a cheap movie matte painting of an alien planet or supervillain lair. 

Get a Godzilla costume for me, maybe some shark fins for the cats....)

The ladies get their clothes taken away and are forced to walk in single file while guns are waved at them. They also undergo dental work, pap smears, vaginal steaming and a variety of other questionable med-spa treatments. Yeah, if I signed up for a battle to the death and wound up on a Goop retreat I'd be pissed too.

Then we get the standard "attempted attack by a tarantula while sleeping" trope. Of course, as always, the spider does not succeed but, in a twist, the spider is... well...

Next the girls run and do aerobics in bikinis while a knockoff of the Chariots of Fire theme plays. This goes on for some time... and why shouldn't it? Let us not pretend that there is any reason for the existence of The Lost Empire besides jiggle jiggle jiggle. And tax shelters, of course.

It's pretty much the same scene as backstage at the gentlemen's club,

except without the body glitter.

Anyway, Whitestar gets a special invitation from Dr. Sin Do, who apparently likes to host big-tittied ladies for dinner as well as for tournaments to the death. She puts on her best bra and her worst attitude, rather like me going on a date back in the aughts....

Instead of texting Whitestar that her dog has gotten out and her mom is sick and thus releasing her from her terrible Tinder date, Angel and Heather go off to explore Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom. They find all the previous contestants in the Lee Chuck Memorial Battle to the Death for Ladies Only drugged and locked in an underground dungeon... pretty much like Enter the Dragon... or Darktown Strutters... or The Forbidden Zone or any of many other movies. What The Lost Empire has that they don't is a gorilla. Well, I mean a P.A. in a gorilla suit...

That's the spirit! The asshole with the gorilla is named "Prager," like the founder of the eponymous bullshit-peddling winger "university," but he is played by an actor with the awesome moniker of "Blackie Dammett," which you are welcome to use the next time you need to anonymously check into a hotel. Apparently in a wild coincidence or just an unwillingness to pay another actor, it's also the  Uvalde cop from the opening. Feel free to wonder if The Lost Empire is actually a The Wizard of Oz-like fantasy where Angel got knocked on the head while trying to rescue the kids and the whole Lee Chuck Memorial Battle to the Death for Ladies Only on Dr. Sin Do's Island of Doom thing is all a dream. Are Whitestar and Heather really just the EMT's treating her concussion...?

In the meantime, Whitestar's date is going really badly.

Mustache Meatball shows up, THE EYE OF AVATAR shows up, the gorilla suit shows up, Hijinks, shenanigans and inept ersatz kung fu battles ensue....

You cheap Phantom of the Opera!
You knockoff Dr. Phibes!
You bullshit Mr. Han!

You say indestructible dematerializing laser canon,
I say cock and balls with the condom half-pulled off.

The Lost Empire is a terrible movie but it does have a lot of things that people enjoy in it. Martial arts battles? Yes! Rogue cops! Yes! Laser canons? Yes! Boobs? Yes! Ancient curses? Yes! Bad puns? Yes! Man in a gorilla suit? Yes! Boobs? Yes! Women in prison? Yes! Native American rituals... sorta? Yes! Boobs? Yes! Undead villains? Yes! Boobs? Yes! Boobs? Yes! BOOBS? YES! YES! YES!

Pia Zadora

"And that year, I was often mentioned in the same sentence as Meryl Streep. People would say, ‘That Pia Zadora, she’s no Meryl Streep.’"

I interviewed the charming and hilarious Pia Zadora for Vegas Seven.

The Forbidden Zone

In the immortal words of T.S.  Elliot, "And should I then presume? And how shall I begin?"

Unlike most of the movies on this site, The Forbidden Zone is intentionally weird and idiotic, or weirdly idiotic (actually, now that i think of it, it's idiotically weird). It's hard to make an intentional cult film--it often just comes off to self-conscious and smug to be authentically strange and subversive. However, The Forbidden Zone pulls it off because, however art-school absurd it is, it winds up going even further than intended.

 Yeah, i'm pretty sure that's a blunt. It'd better be.

A true relic of the 80s, down to Herve Villechaize as King Fausto of the Sixth Dimension (Yes!) It's also the first movie soundtrack by Danny Elfman of Oingo Boingo--or, as they were still known back then, the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo...

This German Expressionist/Max Fleischer aesthetic will continue throughout. Except when superseded by moments of bad 60s horror, 40s musicals, Warhol knockoffs and scat humor.

And we open with this guy running out of his basement and--whoa! Blackface. Before the credits even start.

Wait until they get to the Jews, the women, the trannys and the midgets. And the white guys: Everyone is mocked on the basest level in The Forbidden Zone. If you're not ready for that, note the word "forbidden" and move along. Hurry, before the child abuse jokes and menstruation gags kick in! Hitler and Satan will be here soon! Run!

So, the whole  premise, such as it is, is that there is a gateway to the Sixth Dimension (aka the Forbidden Zone) in the basement of the Hercules family: Ma, Pa, Gramps, Flash and Frenchy.

For some reason, The Forbidden Zone has old people played by twentysomething art goons in Caligari makeup and the kids played by aging Jewish comics in Boy Scout suits. But that is neither the last nor the least weird thing we shall see here....

Flash and Frenchy go to school, with their classmates: nerds, skanks, the knife-wielding pimp, the inbred pigtail twins, Chicken Boy and der Fuhrer.There are craps games and gunfights and some sweet jazz harmonizing, but school sucks. Frenchy jumps out the window, goes home, slips on a rollerskate and finds herself in the Forbidden Zone, where she is promptly treated to some weird boxing dudes and a song! Well, sorta, anyway!

Apparently this kid lost his nerve on set, so they wound up having to superimpose someone else's mouth over his face. Like Bette Davis' incorrectly fitted gown in All About Eve or the cloud that passed over the cornfield during a crucial shot in Bonnie and Clyde, it's the sort of on-set problem that only improves the filmic result. This is one of the movie's better musical numbers: The idea of people lip-synching to old 30s big band tunes was a fun idea, but it gets old if that's the only gag. The "Pico & Sepulveda" number is another excellent bit, but most of them--you're just kind of twiddling your thumbs. Or, given what you're watching, gobbling another handful of 'shrooms.

So, King Fausto of the Herve Dimension immediately falls madly in love with Frenchy, despite her odd mole and her penchant for sticking her tongue out at everybody. However, this does not sit well with his wife...

Behold Doris, the Queen of the Sixth Dimension, none other than Susan Tyrell HerSelf. Bow down!

Not because of Queen Doris, but because Susan Tyrrell. Susan Tyrrell's mom was a British diplomat and her dad was Carole Lombard and Loretta Young's agent. Susan Tyrrell played Shakespeare and Tennessee Williams at Lincoln Center and was nominated for an Academy Award for Fat City. Susan Tyrrell has appeared in the films of Andy Warhol, John Waters and Pee-Wee Herman. I wish I was one-tenth that awesome and so do you.

Anyway, Queen Susan Tyrrell sings a song that i'm pretty sure she did at the Mudd Club at least once and then has Frenchy locked up in the dungeon, where she meets some other locked-up girl... boy... boy we already saw, wearing a wig. (It can be hard to tell in this movie whether it's supposed to be a drag queen or a real female because both are often just boys in wigs.) Also King Herve pops through a window to snap photos in a moment that is creepier than was probably intended to be. And then he goes to make it up to the queen...

Fun fact: Herve Villechaize and Susan Tyrrell were actually dating. And, to answer the question that we're all asking: "I roll her up like a donut!" (Or that's what they say on the DVD commentary.)

In the meantime, Frenchy's brother and grandfather decide to jump down into the Sixth Dimension basement hole to rescue her....

Thus follows more scat humor, some flat rabbi jokes, a crucifixion bit, random whippings, some buggery, some bestiality, just padding out the running time here...

 

Meanwhile, Queen Susan Tyrrell ties up Frenchy in her electrified torture chamber. I must say, i enjoy a nice, scenery-chewing Susan Tyrrell Sprechstimme  more than the tenth or eleventh lip-synch to a Cab Calloway tune. Don't get me wrong: I freaking love Cab Calloway. Did i ever tell you about the time i saw him at a Mets game when i was about six? It was summer and--

--whoa! Alright, yeah, back to the film. I will say one thing: Even if The Forbidden Zone loses your attention, it won't be for long. The evil queen is defeated with the help of Warhol superstar Viva, who is wearing some kind of turd hat and never stops talking--in other words, standard Viva. Frenchy is declared the new Queen of the Sixth Dimension and everyone eats a bunch of hash brownies, drinks some Tequila and gets down to the Go-Gos...

The weirdest thing about The Forbidden Zone is perhaps how gosh darn much everyone involved believed in it. Herve Villechaize not only sunk his pay back into the film, he painted the freaking sets. (Only the part below the wainscotting. Ba-zing!) Many others also played multiple roles both in front of and behind the camera. I'm not sure what inspired such dedication, except for the fact that The Forbidden Zone looks like it was a fuck of a lot of fun to make.