The Heroic Trio

Ah, how do i love this film, let me count the ways. It was in in heavy rotation on late-night mid-90s cable. Because what do people want to watch at 2:00 a.m.? Fabulous superhero women in nonsensical action flicks, that's what! Hence, The Heroic Trio.

Seriously, this is one of the three top ass-kicking female trios in film history (the other two being the chicks from Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill and the Powerpuff Girls.)

 So, let us roll call our heroines and the actresses who portray them....

First up, Invisible Girl, as played by Michelle Yeoh. You may recognize her from her role as a Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies or as the tormented heroine of the epic Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
This is not the Invisible Girl from the Fantastic Four. That one is a blonde in blue, this one is a brunette in red; that one was pretty lame, this one kicks hella ass. Michelle Yeoh has the rare gift of being a skilled martial artist and an excellent actress -- and her ability to convey unearthly physicality with genuine vulnerability is invaluable to giving The Heroic Trio more emotional depth than other films of its genre. Invisible Girl is initially part of the bad guy's brainwashed army, but will the power of sisterhood be greater than the influence of sewer-dwelling demons?

Next, Thief Catcher, played by Maggie Cheung. Maggie Cheung is known for a mess of Hong Kong action films, as well as starring in the self-referential French indie Irma Vep and the poetic retro romance In the Mood for Love. Thief Catcher (also known as Chelsea and Mercy -- inconsistency of nomenclature is an issue that seems to have arisen in editing/translation) is known for showing up at impossible police standoffs and resolving problems -- for a price. She is unweighted by tedious romantic subplots and, as such, is the most fun character. You will note a certain proto-steampunk style in Thief Catcher's fondness for wearing goggles and bustiers, as well as her frequent deployment of sticks of dynamite and a motorcycle. Seriously, all she's missing is an octopus.

Finally, Wonder Woman, played by Anita Mui. Mui was a pop star in Hong Kong and co-starred in some Jackie Chan movies. This is not the Wonder Woman from the comic books and the totally awesome (at least the first season, when it was still period and fighting the Nazis) 70s television series. Also called Shadow Fox, depending on what version of the movie you have, she is married to the chief of police. He thinks she's just a housewife, rather than the local superhero who does all the shit he can't. We not only get the obvious comedy of his obliviousness, but also the sadness when she has failed to save a life and still must act all contented hausfrau when he comes home.

So, back to The Heroic Trio. Like many Hong Kong films, there are several alternate version out there and, between the variations, for-television/for-delicate sensibilities editing and some nonsensical dubbing/subtitles. This means that the plot can be hard to follow and, well, it doesn't seem like it was the clearest plot to begin with. Anyway, it goes a little something like this... some creepy guy in a white pancake makeup and a hat with horns but not cool viking horns lives under Hong Kong with some kind of undead zombie ogre eunuch army that he's going to use to kidnap a bunch of baby boys because one is going to become the Emperor. why does he need a baby emperor when he only intends to rule himself and already has an army? I dunno...

Wonder Woman is trying to prevent the kidnappings -- with the help of abundant wire-fu --  while Invisible Girl is the one carrying them out. She's invisible, thanks to the cloak of invisibility her scientist boyfriend is working on -- i believe she "borrows" it while he's passed out from exhaustion and toxic chemicals. Yes, another career-obsessed man who knows nothing of his lady's ultra-powerful secret life. Men running around doing "important" things while the women TCB is a recurring motif in this film. However, both couples do come to a point where they recognize each others' abilities and sacrifices... which truly makes The Heroic Trio a strange hybrid of women's film and action film. But note that the emotional niceties are dispatched and then the females go back to saving and killing, killing and saving.

So, baby kidnapping continues, police continue to be useless, Wonder Woman tries to stop things as best she can. Thief Catcher sees a payday, so she gets involved too...

Then one of the Giant Ogre Undead Eunuch Zombies shows up to take a a bunch of people in a train station hostage and casually decapitate them with the dreaded flying guillotine while waiting for a train to crash into the station (rather like Master of the Flying Guillotine and Silver Streak happening at the same time), figuring that this will draw Wonder Woman. Oh, and he's surrounded the building with land mines. However, Wonder Woman and Thief Catcher have joined forces, so they manage to minimize the loss of life. But they will need to turn Invisible Girl to their side....

 I'd take the motorcycle and the shotgun over the horses and the swords too, but that's just me.

So, more noble sacrifice, more broken hearts, more changing of sides. Also, there's some subplot about childhood flashbacks but, really, who cares? Not when we end with multiple fights, numerous explosions and a blood-spitting, bone-cracking, rotting-corpse battle like something out of Evil Dead.

The Heroic Trio is a bit silly and/or mawkish in spots, but it's also got its share of over-the-top craziness and should satisfy anyone's desire for endless high-energy action scenes with a side of battling the undead. Yet, at the same time, it has been read as a metaphor for the three Chinas and as a feminist critique. It will always hold a special place in my heart for introducing me to a whole host of brilliant Hong Kong action chick movies, from Sex and Fury to Wing Chun to Naked Killer to Holy Weapon.

Shoot 'Em Up

Some movies are designed to be crazy and Shoot 'Em Up is one of them. Even the great Roger Ebert liked this movie, describing it as going "much, much further than merely too far" -- coming from the screenwriter of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, that is one shitfuck of a compliment. 

It's a ludicrously excessive action flick, here legions of baddies are dispatched with handguns, machine guns, knives, fists, ropes and carrots. And, of course, it has Clive Owen. Clive Owen. If i began to sing the praises of Clive Owen, i would never stop, so i'll just let the mooning and cooing happen naturally along the way...

So Clive Owen is sitting at a bus stop somewhere in the ghetto, drinking coffee and eating a carrot (the recurring carrot will be funny at first...). A woman who looks to be about ten minutes from giving birth runs by screaming, with a gun-wielding thug in hot pursuit. Nice opener, that. Catches the attention.

Wait... that was an asshole with a gun chasing a pregnant lady, wasn't it? "Ahhhh, fuckin' hell!"

Clive Owen sighs, throws his cup away and gives chase. Soon there's a mess of gun-wieding thugs -- actually, in this film they are known as mooks -- and Clive Owen is merrily wasting them all in one of those big fight-scene warehouses full of chains and stairs. Clive Owen naturally makes short fucking work of these assholes and delivers the baby while making witty comments about their pursuers, "I hate these forty-seven year-old jackholes wearing ponytails. That ponytail does not make you look young, hip, or cool." Blam! Off with the back of his head! 

What Clive Owen hates will also be a recurring motif in this film, and will work better than the carrot. Did you know a carrot can puncture a man's skull? Neither did i. But this is far from the first or most aggressive denial of the laws of physics presented by Shoot 'Em Up.

Paul Giamatti plays our villain, Mr. Hurtz -- geddit? It's a bit of unconventional casting, sure but i can't imagine a guy who's played the schlub for thirty years not chomping at the bit to be the crazed, sadistic killer for a change. And he gets to beat up on Clive Owen (or at least shout and shoot at him) which must've been fun motivating for: "You're! So! Handsome! Women! Love! You! Even! Some dudes! I'm! A little! Chubby! Bald guy! Take! That! Hah!"

 1 merry go-round + 1 sniper rifle + 1 handgun + 1 baby = loads of fun

Anyway, mom winds up killed by a stray bullet. Clive Owen keeps trying to abandon baby, but every time it is made clear that baby and everyone around baby will die without Clive Owen to protect them. So Clive Owen goes to see lactating prostitute (O, what a brave new world we live in where that is a commonly understood job title.) Donna Quintana -- yeah, D.Q., we geddit -- to pay her to watch/feed "it," as he refers to the baby. She throws Clive Owen and his $5,000 out of her bedroom. (Crazy, but as we all know: No matter how hot he is, some woman somewhere has had enough of his bullshit. Still, Clive Owen and five grand...) Of course, then the bad guy shows up. Of course then Clive Owen comes back to rescue her.

He takes D.Q. and baby back to his loft... which has planters full of carrots. Seriously, this is getting old. Clive Owen and D.Q. finally bond with baby, baby who enjoys watching guns being cleaned and loves heavy metal music -- yup, kid has found the right ersatz parents. Of course bad guy chases them there, another shootout (to the tune of "Ace of Spades" i might add). 

Many movies are gun-obsessed, but Shoot 'Em Up is special. There's an odd specificity about how many bullets are left, is the safety on, is there a gun lock, is the lock biometric, etc.There is much fixtation on what brands and calibers of guns people are carrying. A gun manufacturer is a character, a gun warehouse is a set, second amendment rights and Washington politics are the ostensible motivator of the plot. (And, weirdly, i think this movie is pro-gun control. I think....) The gun warehouse set piece is pretty spectacular, a sort of Rube Golderbeg maze of ropes and machine guns.

Even when pursued by a dozen killers, Clive Owen still takes time out to sideswipe rude drivers. "You wanna know the difference between a luxury car and a porcupine... with a porcupine, the pricks are on the outisde." Yes, indeed. Clive Owen hides hooker and baby in a tank, then goes off in search of whomever is trying to kill the baby... which is fast becoming his baby, kinda...

 

So, why is the nebbish trying to kill the baby? Let's just say that it has something to do with politics and medical research and the second amendment. Or, as they say, "America: Where a poor man can become rich and a pussy can become a tough guy with a gun in his hand." (Well, at least half of that is true.) Clive Owen also has some kind of backstory that we don't really need: He's angry about mooks and nebbishes abusing his girl and trying to kill a baby. What more motivation is required? This is a CARTOON! The scene with the gunfights as people jump from an airplane with and without parachutes? Made me laugh like a Looney Tune! Plot is something you just kinda dispense with as quickly and cleanly as possible and let people lean back and enjoy the ride.

In it's over-the-top mania, Shoot 'Em Up is reminiscent of another divinely craptacular flick, Drive Angry. There's a mysterious hero, a baby in danger, a fight-off-the-bad-guys-while-fucking-the-chick sequence. Drive Angry has a meta-rural/suburban white-trash motor court setting; Shoot 'Em Up has the more-common faux-noir urban milieu . 

Overall, Shoot 'Em Up is a brain-dead good time at the movies. Clive Owen continues in the badass vein of the man who can cut off  Madonna's balls without even taking his hands off the wheel of his fast car. Did i mention that he looks stunning in a tuxedo -- Clive Owen was apparently the first choice for the Brosnan-replacement Bond and, while i am a fan of Daniel Craig, i still think Clive Owen would have been incredible.  Still could be, y'know...

Dracula's Daughter

Like many horror sequels of the vintage era, Dracula's Daughter has only a tenuous connection to the original film. None of the same actors, not the same director, but it does hold the heavy atmospherics of the first film, here in a sort of glamorous hybrid of art deco and goth. The unique aura makes it unlike most sequels and so does the rather complex main character: The Countess is one of the first, if not the first, sympathetic vampire in movies -- she doesn't want to be a vampire, doesn't want to kill people, even goes to a psychiatrist to try to rid herself of blood lust.

But first we have to put up with some opening dawdling about by some comic-relief British cops and Van Helsing giving a quick explanation of who Dracula is and why he's got a stake through his heart -- Van Helsing is arrested -- if Dracula wasn't a vampire, it's murder.  If Van Helsing insists he was a vampire, Van Helsing is crazy.  Dracula's Daughter isn't a long film, and it's got way too much padding courtesy of various nitwits. Finally, Dracula's daughter -- aka Countess Marya Zaleska -- herself shows up, works some Jedi mind tricks and a hypno-ring and gets hold of Dracula's body. She burns the corpse, with much chanting and exorcising and cross-waving, hoping to break the curse while her enigmatic assistant, Sandor,  looks on.

Except when he flinches from the cross, of course, although that's mostly a wannabe move. Like most vampire assistants, he's doing an internship in hopes of being made a full vampire someday. No promises and only the smallest per diem. I think that's why Renfield wound up eating bugs -- even going to the dirty water hot dog cart, there's no way you can eat lunch within 10 blocks of the Conde Nast building for less than $4 a day. The Countess insists that burning Dracula has freed her, but Sandor isn't so sure. So, while she sits  in her backless evening gown pumping away at the piano and murmuring cheery platitudes (well, cheery for her anyway), he's sitting in the corner getting all negative...

"Twilight... long shadows on the hillsides," tinkle keys, tinkle keys.
"Evil shadows...."
"No, no, peaceful shadows. The flutter of wings in the treetops."
"The wings of bats...." gloats the heavily eyelinered loyal retainer.
"No! No, the wings of birds," tinkle keys, tinkle keys. "From far off, the barking of a dog."
"Barking because there are wolves about..." 

You know, Sandor is pretty defiant for a henchman. What happened to "Yes, master"? And so the Countess finally gives up, puts on her velvet cloak and her hypno-ring and goes out looking for trade... i mean victims. Although one gets the distinct sense that the Countess gets more than a cup o' hemoglobin off of those she selects for drainage. She seems to prefer blondes. But more on that later....

And so this playboy is found the next day, drained of blood through "two sharp punctures over the jugular vein." 

Soon after we meet another psychiatrist and a secretary, Jeffrey and Janet, whom are supposed to be our leads but who aren't quite up the the task. Jeffrey is too much uptight upper lip and Janet crosses the line from spunky and sassy to just plain fucking snotty very quickly. And keeps going.

Our elegant Countess Dracula normally would not give these losers the time of day... well, time of night. But she's a good dinner guest and listens bemusedly to Jeffrey's stories about Van Helsing -- he's been engaged by the defense -- and the joshing about vampires from people with too much upper teeth and not enough chin. ("It seems this fellow Van Helsing shoved a stake through this Dracula fellow's heart.")

She puts up with the idiots and their bragging and sips her tea -- because you know the Countess would "never drink... wine." I feel like this at parties a lot: Sit in the most comfortable chair, half-listen to people babble about bullshit they know little-to-nothing about. Except i'm usually drinking... wine. She comments disdainfully, "Possibly there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your... psychiatry." (The Countess is big on the pause. Her delivery is very Dietrich and, honestly, who would make a better vampire than Marlene Dietrich?) But when Jeffrey begins claiming that "sympathetic therapy can release the mind from any obsession," she begins to think that maybe there's some sort of Freudian/Jungian equivalent of a stake through the psyche that could free her from a life of blood-drinking and signs up for some appointments with the shrink.

Guess which one's the bitch you want to stab? Hint: It's not the vampire.

Of course, she can only meet at night, which means she receives him in another gorgeous, glittering evening gown and annoying Janet throws tantrums makes repeated prank phone calls. Yeah... spunky and adorable. Interestingly, the Countess grasps the idea that vampirism could all be some kind of obsession, some kind of self-mindfuck. Psychiatrist Jeffrey gives her some bullshit advice, thinking she's talking about quitting smoking rather than killing people, and runs off to do something else. As the Countess wonders what to do now, Sandor appears with an ingratiating smile on his face. The Countess announces, "We are going to the studio. Tonight I... paint."

And so begins the most famous bit of Dracula's Daughter, the lesbian seduction scene. Sandor picks up a "model" on the street and brings her to the "studio." Jesus, don't we all know by now that anyone who wants you to go with them to "model" is a serial killer. He takes the world's prettiest and best-groomed homeless girl to the Countess, who gives her a sandwich and makes her move. It's about as subtle as "take your top off and have some wine" can be.

The vampire metaphor usually leans sex -- and, really, it's rather pre-code Hollywood clear in this film that there's more, ahem, activity, than merely bloodless lips pressed to punctured jugular. But in Dracula's Daughter, it feels more like our symbolism is more narcotic-oriented. The Countess tries to feel happy, Sandor reminds her everything is shit, she gets high. The Countess seeks help, it does not happen immediately, she gets high.

Her victim winds up in the hospital with "anemia and amnesia" under the care of Dr. Jeffrey -- wotta coincidence! The Countess simultaneously arrives at his office in yet another sensational ensemble, begging him to "go to the Continent" with her to somehow cure her vampirism. "The Continent." How fucking classy is that? She's like some supervillain cross between Gloria Swanson and Jackie O. that galavants around Europe, wearing couture and drinking the blood of attractive bisexual blondes.

And so, like every Dracula film, they eventually do wind up chasing off to a creepy castle somewhere in Trannsylvania. Gloria Holden does a fine job as the icy, tormented vampire -- repentant, but not pathetic, an exotic woman of the world rather than an underfed ingenue. But, like many films (the recent Conan flick comes to mind) it takes an appealing, interesting lead and constantly shoves them offscreen to feature tedious supporting characters. And, of course, like virtually everything else in the world, the potential and promise of Dracula's Daughter has trickled into bullshit mediocrity. You know what Dracula's daughter is in 2013? A Monster High Doll targeted at eight-year-old girls and a cartoon character voiced by Disney princess Selena Gomez. Curious how one needs to go backwards almost eighty years to Dracula's Daughter to get a mature, complex vampire heroine....